Meanwhile...

Time to jump over to see what the younger brother has been up to. The nice thing about this being a rough draft? I can always fill in the gaps later. HA!

Let's see. Before the brothers split up, they had just reached the outskirts of town. Makos saw celebratory banners and they realized it was the holiday 'Rune Day'. Makos begged to run on ahead and Danos relented. Danos ventured into a side alley. What about Makos?

After the story segment, I will talk about some ways to avoid passive voice and what that means. I will show corrections. Thoroughly.

Makos was doomed. He knew it in his gut. He would be in so much trouble when Danos found out.

In his right hand, Makos held a small, splintered piece of carved wood that was roughly in the shape of a kite shield. Blue paint strokes formed in a strange symbol were interrupted by a large chunk missing from the corner of the shield.

In Makos' left hand, he clung tightly to canvas draped over a tree limb. His feet kicked in the air, several feet from the ground. He frowned worriedly at the thin layer of grass beneath him, his one-handed grip slipping.

The stunned silence from the crowds was at last broken by one voice calling out, "How'd he do that?"

A murmur picked up from the gathering crowds and Makos blushed under the scrutiny of hundreds of eyes.

'Don't move or it might happen again!' he thought, forcing his legs to calm down. As if to spite him, the remaining strength in his hand failed.

On his way to the ground, Makos couldn't stop himself from swinging his arms all over. He yelled out while green ripples in the air flung out where ever he moved his hands. His impact with the ground was met by a loud crunch.

His legs collapsed beneath him and he ended up on flat on his back. He could see the canvas from the shield stall flapping about with the leaves all around it. He closed his eyes and refused to open them. If he'd broken his leg, he didn't know what he would do.

Screaming from the crowds caught him off guard and he opened his eyes, leaning his head forward to see what was the matter. He saw the top of the brick building across the street was missing a section of wall, specifically the corner. Looking down, he found the missing brickwork on the sidewalk with people forming a ring about it.

'I'm so dead.' He thought. 'When those people come over here, they'll lock me up in prison for the rest of my life!'

He gave in to a growing nagging of curiosity and examined his legs and was relieved to discover they were undamaged aside form bruising. It was then that a brilliant idea occurred to him, promising hope. If he wasn't lame, he could escape quietly before people stopped inspecting the rubble.

Struggling to his feet as quietly as he could, Makos wobbled behind the rest of the shield merchant's stall and dropped to the ground.

'That fall took a lot out of me.' He thought. 'I'll just hide here a second and then sneak away after they start to leave.'

He hoped dearly that they would leave, specifically in the opposite direction.

Alright, let's analyze this a moment. What is passive voice? Well, it's the opposite of active voice. Real helpful, right?

A good way to explain is by showing an example:

I wrote a letter. vs. The letter was written by me.

Can you tell which is which?

Both sentences say the exact same thing, but the first example is in an active voice while the latter is written in a passive voice. Why does it matter? When should an author use one or the other? Maybe a better question is: What sort of feeling do you get from each sentence?

Active voice is direct. There is an actor who is doing something to something.

Passive voice is indirect. There is something that is being acted upon by something else.

Active voice has an inherent effect of putting a sense of responsibility on the actor. Ever hear someone try to avoid the responsibility of a mistake? If, as a child, I had broken my mother's favorite fragile, expensive plate, I would try to get out of it by saying, "Your plate is broken" instead of "I broke your plate."

Something interesting about passive voice, as I just used, is that the one who causes the condition doesn't even have to be included. I didn't mention the plate was broken by me. This phenomenon allows for a fun little tool to identify passive voice in a sentence.

As explained by Mary Robinette Kowal in Season 9 Episode 17 of the Writing Excuses podcast, you know a sentence is in the passive voice if you can add "by zombies" to the end.

"Your plate was broken by zombies." Passive voice.

Imagine my mom coming home to that explanation.

The other main feature of passive voice is it creates a sense of detachment and leaves room for confusion and a hazy picture of the scene. Active voice solves this by saying exactly who did what and to what or whom they did it. There is no doubt. Information is available and the reader can move on without wondering what they are supposed to be visualizing.

In the case of writing novels, it's obvious we only want to use the active voice. No one should ever employ the passive voice, right? Isn't that obvious?

Well, if you want to only write in an active voice, go right ahead. Just remember, however, that just like ingredients in a potential meal, anything and everything can be employed in some way, breaking rules in some exceptions where a more powerful effect can bring about more powerful flavor.

Bitter flavor, while almost always a negative thing, can be used to compliment other flavors in a way that turn the dish into a true work of art.

One last quick word on a benefit of using passive voice: If you want to bring more attention to what is being done, where the actor isn't so important, passive voice is a perfect fit.

Time for some editing. (Note: Normally when I write, I ignore the editing process. The first draft is the rough draft. Repairs and modifications can be included later. For the purpose of demonstration in this post, however, some editing may prove worthwhile.)

Let's start with the first paragraph.

Makos was doomed. He knew it in his gut. He would be in so much trouble when Danos found out.

The very first sentence here is a perfect example of good use of passive voice. All we are concerned about is how Makos is feeling. He has a sense of dread. Who or what doomed him? Did you find yourself asking this question? If do, then awesome! This is also what is intended. I have opened your mind up to start paying attention to the details that follow, or things you have already seen. Now you are hooked and I can unveil the cause of his distress.

The second sentence is in an active voice: He knew it. An actor doing something to something. In this case being aware that he is doomed. The last sentence is passive, but changing that wouldn't really work, would it? Maybe it would. Please comment below if you think otherwise.


In his right hand, Makos held a small, splintered piece of carved wood that was roughly in the shape of a kite shield. Blue paint strokes formed in a strange symbol were interrupted by a large chunk missing from the corner of the shield.

All of this is active.

In Makos' left hand, he clung tightly to canvas draped over a tree limb. His feet kicked in the air, several feet from the ground. He frowned worriedly at the thin layer of grass beneath him, his one-handed grip slipping.

The first part is also active. The second phrase is odd. His feet aren't kicking anything, they are jsut kicking. I suppose you could say they are kicking themselves. In that case, the sentence is has an active voice without defining the target of the action. It is simply implied.

An alternative view would be that Makos is the actor, as opposed to his feet, and his feet are the things being acted upon. He is willing his feet to kick about. In passive voice it would be said that His feet were kicked, not even mentioning the actor. Does it really make a difference? I don't believe so. The action doesn't really have a huge impact other than painting a scene, and in this case, I want the focus on the action, so passive voice is perfect for it. Either way, I've accomplished my purposes here.

The stunned silence from the crowds was at last broken by one voice calling out, "How'd he do that?"

Uh oh. This is passive and has no good reason to be passive. Perhaps I should reword it:

A single voice broke the stunned silence of the crowds, "How'd he do that?"

Wow! I really like that. Not only is it more concise, it holds a better focus and is more efficient on page space. Would you rather waste an extra second reading those extra words? One sentence may not make much of a difference, but after thousands of sentences, it could create a lot of drag and wasted time.

A murmur picked up from the gathering crowds and Makos blushed under the scrutiny of hundreds of eyes.

Another example of strangely worded passive voice. The crowd is cited as the location from whence it rises, but doesn't exactly attribute the acting as the crowd's fault. Makos blushing is self evident that he is acting upon himself, in this case his face. I like the focus being on the sound of quiet talking. The point is that he needs to feel pressure from others. Who cares who they are? Personal choice here.

'Don't move or it might happen again!' he thought, forcing his legs to calm down. As if to spite him, the remaining strength in his hand failed.

Thinking is obvious, like talking. The next part assumes that he is forcing his own legs, hence the comma for borrowing the same subject, making it active voice. Strength failing is active, acting upon itself.

On his way to the ground, Makos couldn't stop himself from swinging his arms all over. He yelled out while green ripples in the air flung out where ever he moved his hands. His impact with the ground was met by a loud crunch.

All active up until the last sentence. I actually like this the way it is, if only for the purpose of timing. Maybe I'm strange, but I think a lot of impact can be gained from saving the critical details for the very end.

His legs collapsed beneath him and he ended up on flat on his back. He could see the canvas from the shield stall flapping about with the leaves all around it. He closed his eyes and refused to open them. If he'd broken his leg, he didn't know what he would do.

Active voice throughout. The green section is where two phrases overlap. In the first half, 'he' is the actor while in the second half 'the canvas' is the actor.

Screaming from the crowds caught him off guard and he opened his eyes, leaning his head forward to see what was the matter. He saw the top of the brick building across the street was missing a section of wall, specifically the corner. Looking down, he found the missing brickwork on the sidewalk with people forming a ring about it.

All active, with some inferred elements like before, and another example of target serving as an actor later in the same sentence.

'I'm so dead.' He thought. 'When those people come over here, they'll lock me up in prison for the rest of my life!'

Active voice.

He gave in to a growing nagging of curiosity and examined his legs and was relieved to discover they were undamaged aside form bruising. It was then that a brilliant idea occurred to him, promising hope. If he wasn't lame, he could escape quietly before people stopped inspecting the rubble.

I highlighted a section in orange to point out now. He was relieved to discover. He is the actor, as inferred. Being relieved is the action. To discover almost looks like the target, like a state of being. Well, don't let this confuse you. He is targeting himself. The further action of discovering is just a reason why he is relieving himself.

Struggling to his feet as quietly as he could, Makos wobbled behind the rest of the shield merchant's stall and dropped to the ground.

'That fall took a lot out of me.' He thought. 'I'll just hide here a second and then sneak away after they start to leave.'

He hoped dearly that they would leave, specifically in the opposite direction.

I'm actually surprised I used as much active voice as I did. Good! That means my practice is working.

In summary, there is a purpose to active voice and a purpose to passive voice. Be sure that you use the right voice for the right impact, or you may suffer from loss of potential impact or even downright confusion and not feeling immersed in your characters' experience.

Here's a fancy tool someone pointed out to me that I set as one of my homepage tabs. I use it regularly to find instances of passive voice in my work, just in case I didn't intend to have it there.